Oh yeah - ok, if you don't know the scoop - before I came to YWAM someone told me that going through the DTS program is like being a rock in a rock tumbler. Well, I had my first little tumble today!!
This morning we had a guy come to speak to us about intercessory prayer and what that means. Through it, I just really began to see my doubts and my lack of faith in God to answer my prayers and in myself for my inability to know God's heart...it was like a lightening bolt to my heart, to see what a doubting Thomas I am!!!
Specifically, I was brokenhearted about a particular issue going on - and that is Sierra's deep, deep desire for a daddy. She just wants a daddy so much and often cries at night because she doesn't have one that loves her and is in her life. I have felt frozen in fear as to how to pray - I didn't want to begin fervently praying for a daddy for her and then not have it happen and have that hurt her faith. The bottom line is that I was working out of FEAR and not out of faith in God's desire to fulfill the desires of her heart and His own desire for her to have a daddy. After Steve (the guy who talked) left, we had a break and I went looking for him directly to talk to him about what was on my heart. I couldn't find him anywhere, and then I noticed Kerry sitting by himself - Kerry will be one of the leaders of our class, but he and his wife just joined us yesterday so we don't really know him yet. Anyway, I went over and just started talking to him, but was totally broken down in tears within seconds. He helped me to see that Sierra's desire for a daddy is a desire born out of God's own heart - it's not from Satan, and it's not selfish - it's what God would want for her. Also, how fear was at work and that I need to stand against that. We also talked about how I was holding onto fear about relationships and marriage because I'd "drowned" previously in my two marriages (from a story he related yesterday...I'll clarify in a minute). I realized that I WAS holding onto fear and confessed that immediately. Now I am working on trusting God to bring Sierra a daddy, but to take out of the equation my own timeline, how I think it will look, etc.
We went back into class and I was still pretty weepy for the rest of the morning. At lunch, Sierra came up to me and knew I'd been crying right away - so we ate pretty quickly and went on a hike to the waterfalls where I was able to confess to her my lack of faith in that area and how I'd been afraid to pray. Being the great kid she is, she immediately forgave me and encouraged me and we agreed to come together and really pray about this area and to release our expectations of when or how it might come about. We talked about the many different ways God could answer that prayer and realized there were many more than we could even imagine. So, I'm feeling a lot better about it now.
After my chores were done, I came home and Sierra had shared with her friend Jenna about it and they had made me a really sweet card. The inside reads "Hi Mommy, I just want you know that God is with you always. Just keep your eyes on God!!! Love, Sierra". It was all decorated all over and was so sweet.
Regarding the "drowning"...yesterday Kerry shared with us about 2 women he had met who had been Christians for a long time, but absolutely refused to do a water baptism. Upon talking with them, he found out they had both almost drowned as children and had a real fear of going underwater (sound familiar, mom?). He talked with them about fear and the end result was that one of them gave it to God and had a water baptism and was set totally free of her fear as she was baptized. The other one would not give up her fear and continued to believe the lie that her fear was for her own safety and would keep her from drowning. So, the correlation for me was that my fear is based on my belief that it will keep Sierra safe - and me, too. There is a place for fear, and it is the beginning of wisdom - but it should not rule your life, and that is what it was doing to me in this area. It was quite humbling as I really had thought I had dealt with my fear and overcome them...but obviously there is more in there to root out! Praise God!
So, that is my very transparent rock tumbler story for today...whew!
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