Lotsa Stuff

So much is happening so fast that it is hard to get it all in!! I will try, however...let's see - I think I was last talking about Plumb Line - wow! That was over a week ago!! To be honest, it's hard to keep up this blog when it seems that no one is reading it. I have my own personal journal plus the class journal I am keeping, so it seems silly to keep this blog just for myself. However, there were several people who said they were reading it and enjoying it when I went home over Christmas, so I am continuing to post here because of that.

Well, back in Plumb Line - wow, what a week that was!! Such healing! The basics of Plumb Line is that God's perfect Love is the Plumb Line, and then examining where we get off Plumb with different things that happen in our lives...I'll try to demonstrate it below...

Plumb

Sadness Hostility
Self-Pity Conceit
Self-Hatred Sophistication
Depression Elation/Deflation
Apathy Superiority
Inferiority Competitive
Insecurity Dominant
Failure Rigid
Guilt Manipulative
Dimness Stubborn
Dying Unteachable
Despairing Delusion
Discouraged Bitterness/Resentment
Quenched
(put out) Critical
Suicide Controlling
Posssessive
Homicide

REJECTION REBELLION
The sin: The sin:
Unbelief Pride

The entire thing is then split into 4 quadrants, wiht each indicating different directions people go with these feelings...on the Rejection side there is a Compliant and a "Can't Do It" Mentality. On the Rebellion side there is Competitve and Critical. Each of us spent time thinking about where we were at - I was definitely acting out of rejection and had a compliant spirit (yes, I know I hide it well! HAHA). A lot of people swing between different things, adn we all manifest all of them at different times, but the one you go to most is the root one.

Anyway, on Thursday we had a time of healing and it was so awesome. Everyone had a chance to go forward and just receive prayer for things that had happened in their lives - it wasn't a big "tell all" of all our deepest sins or anything - but a really supportive and uplifting time. On Friday we then talked about how to "walk" in the healing. This was really tough for me and I was under a huge amount of warfard throughout Friday, the weekend and Monday. Everywhere I turned I was feeling rejected and lonely. Comparison was coming in the back door and I was discouraged that everyone else seemed so free. Finally on Monday night I was able to pray it through with my mom and I really finally felt the breakthrough and the Freedom came! Amen! So, I can say that I am FREE of rejection, comparison, self-hatred, unworthiness, loneliness, unbelief, fear, lust, guilt, fear - gone!! Oh, I know they will still come knocking, but I don't believe them anymore...I'm finding my identity in Christ, and it is overcoming the lies I've believed my whold life!

So that was an exciting week!! Then last week, we were learning about "Hearing God's Voice" and the ways in which God speaks to us. Since I know you are interested (hehe)...here are some of the ways -
1. Through His Word
2. Through the inner witness fof the Holy Spirit
3. Through our conscience
4. Through circumstance
5. Through visions
6. Through dreams (be careful it wasn't just the pizza)
7. By His audible voice
8. Through Angels
9. Through gifts of the Spirit
10. Through songs, hymns and instruments
11. Through others (test this as we are all human and make mistakes)
12. Through feelings and emotions (REALLY test this as we get caught up in them, but they can lie to us!)
13. Through creation
14. Through the arts
15. Through supernatural signs and wonders

So, that was so encouraging and really helped me to see that, Yes, Indeed, I can hear God's voice!! Very cool! Then on Thursday we had a day of the leaders prophesying over us...wow - was that cool or what??? These were leaders here in the school who really don't know us at all, so it was really interesting what some of them said. They prophesied over me and it was so uplfiting! Then on Friday we had a time when we were to ask God some questions of our own...specifically, what does he thinkg of me and what are his plans for me? We had only 20 minutes to do this, and then we got into a group and shared what God had said...it was awesome. Some of the things he said to me where that I was joy, and encourager and a love-giver, that this is my Spring season and there is pure, sparkling water pouring forth. There was lots more, but that is an idea. If you'd like more specifics, email me! ;)

We've begun to see some really powerful stuff happening in our group. It all seemed to be happening to one girl Tracy, but now others, too! She was struggling financially and had some money come in at really *coincidental* times. Then, she was led to Esther and at the same time her prayer partner was also led there...and so gave her a card with the verses in it...well, the card happened to be a "Bridal Shower" card...and guess what happened that same night??? Yep...her boyfriend propsosed! Now, note...her prayer partner had no idea about the Esther passage. Her boyfriend is in Colorado going through another school right now and also knew nothing of this. She's sooo excited!!

Sunday we went to this big church up in Redding and me and this guy in our class, Marcus, went and bought hot chocolate/coffee to drink during service. Everywhere we went, we were in the way and it was a little frustrating. Then, there was no Sunday School for the kids, so Sierra was in the service and was having a bad attitude about that. We had driven an hour and a half to get there. As we were waalking ot our seats for service, they told us we coulnd't be in the sanctuary with drinks and so we had to go outside. We were pretty irritated!! Finally, we go back in and go to our seats we had reserved....only to find people sitting in them!!! So we then had to go and find seats in the very last row. Well, you know I had to spend the first 10 minutes just repenting for my bad attitude!! A little later we were asked if we wanted prayer for healing for different things....Marcus ended up raising his hand for finances and I also raised my hand for some physical healing. They had people around us pray for us and this lady prayed for Marcus. A little while later she asked him if he needed a job, and explained no, we are an hour and a half away and studying full time to be missionaries. Then, a little while after that she turned around again and said she and her husband had been really blessed and handed him a check.....for $500!!! I was so excited!! He was just sort of in shock! After he told everyone and the whole class is really jazzed. The next day some lady went to his mom's house and gave her a check for $400 to give to him - another total stranger! So, like I said - things are happeneing!!!

This week we are going deeper into the charachter of God and his Father's heart. Every weeek is just so wonderful and we are really learning so much and it is moving so fast. I can't believe it's been 6 weeks already!!! We are coming home this weekend to see everyone, so that'll be cool. I'll post some pictures soon, too.

Timing

Okay - just a reminder - PLEASE PLEASE leave comments for me!!! I need it!!

Well, my mom wanted me to put in here the prayers she's been saying for us, so here they are...the first one here was done this morning about the same time I was having my journal time that I went over in my previous post. The second was done before she read my response and didn't know that I was doing a lot better yet....kind of fun to see, huh?

(First one)

YOU AND SI WILL GET YOUR HEALING TODAY. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE LOVE OF CHRIST, GETTING IN EVERY CLOSED OFF ROOM OF YOUR HEART, OUT OF YOUR OWN PROTECTION, THE LORD WARS OVER BOTH OF YOU, AND HE HAS ALREADY WON THE BATTLE, THE BLOOD OF JESUS CLEANSES YOU, AND THIS TIME, THE ENEMY IS DEFEATED FOREVER, hE CANNOT RETURN INTO YOU, AS THE BLOOD IS CLEANSING YOU EVEN NOW AS THIS IS BEING WRITTEN. YOU ARE IN A SAFE ENVIRONMENT TO RECEIVE ALL OF THE HEALING THAT IS NECESSARY, NO MORE FEAR WILL BE ABLE TO COME UPON YOU, YOU WILL BE FREE TO RECEIVE LOVE AND GIVE LOVE, AND IT WON'T EVEN BE YOUR OWN, BUT THE LOVE OF CHRIST, WHO ALONE IS GOOD, AND JUST AND RIGHTEOUS, AND IS THE ONLY RIGHTEOUS JUDGE. THE LOVE YOU HAD BEFORE FOR MEN WAS SIMPLY INFATUATION. INFATUATION DOESN'T LAST. THE REAL LOVE OF CHRIST IN YOU LASTS AND LASTS AND LASTS UNTILL OUR JESUS TAKES YOU TO BE WITH HIM. INFATUATION LASTS UNTIL THE ENEMY COMES IN AND FEEDS YOU hIS LIES.YOU BOTH HAVE THE GIFT OF INTERCESSION, AND IT'S BEING BIRTHED IN YOU, AND IT'S TOUGH AS YOU CARRY ALL THE SCARS OF THE GENERATIONAL SINS THAT HAVE COME DOWN THROUGH THE GENERATIONS OF SINS THAT WE HAVE CARRIED THROUGH OUR FAMILIES,(PART OF THE SUFFERING OF CHRIST), (, THIS IS HOW HE FELT ON THE CROSS AS HE CARRIED ALL OUR SINS ON HIS BACK) AND THE THINGS THAT WE HAVE EXPOSED OURSELVES TO, IE(SIN), BUT TODAY IS THE DAY OF RECONCILIATION, TODAY IS THE DAY OF REDEMPTION, FEAR IS BOUND, THE STRENGTH AND COURAGE OF OUR LORD IS OPERATING FROM WITHIN, ALL FEELINGS OF INSECURITY ARE BOUND, ALL BAD DREAMS, NO MORE TO RETURN, AS YOUR STRENGTH COMES FROM THE LORD FROM NOW ON. BY THE AUTHORITY INVESTED IN ME THROUGH THE BLOOD OF JESUS, I BIND FEAR, INSECURITY, BAD DREAMS, AND I LOOSE EVERY ROOM IN DAYNA AND SIERRA'S HOUSE TO RECEIVE THE CLEANSING BLOOD OF THE LAMB THE HEALING THAT COMES AS A RESULT OF THE REDEEMING BLOOD OF JESUS, AND THE STRENGTH OF OUR LORD TO CONQUER FROM WITHIN THEM, AS THEY GO OUT AND LOVE PEOPLE THE WAY THE LORD JESUS IS INVITING THEM TO, AS THEY GO OUT AND MINISTER TO PEOPLE THE WAY THE LORD HAS INVITED THEM TO. FOR THIS REASON AND THIS SEASON THEY WERE BORN INTO THE HOUSEHOLD OF FAITH, TO PUSH BACK THE POWERS OF DARKNESS, AND EXPAND THE KINGDOM OR OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST. GLORY TO OUR GOD FOREVER AND EVER IN JESUS NAME I PRAY THIS PRAYER AND CELEBRATE.AMEN ACCORDING TO MARK11;23, THIS IS A DONE DEAL. I PRAY THAT TODAY RIVERS AND RIVERS OF LIVING WATER WILL FLOW THROUGH THIER SOUL AS THE HEALING COMES, AND SONGS OF DELIVERANCE AND PRAISE WILL FLOW EVERMORE FROM THEIR SOULS. LOVE MOM AND GRANDMOM

And now here is the second one.....

HI DAYNE AND SI, AFTER I PRAYED THAT PRAYER, I GOT ON THE TRAMPOLINE TO JUMP, AND I WAS LISTENING TO PRAISE MUSIC AND TRYING NOT TO JUMP TOO HARD AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I FELT THE LORD SAY, "GO GET THAT RED AND BLACK SCARF YOU HAVE," DANCE WITH IT FOR ME, AND I DID, AND HE REMINDED ME THE BLACK WAS HOW SINFUL I WAS, BUT THE BLOOD COVERED IT, AND IT WAS A REMINDER TO THAT. SOMETHING HAPPENED THAT I CANNOT EXPLAIN, BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN I LAUGED SO HARD THAT I COULDN'T EVEN CONTAIN MYSELF, I ALMOST FELL A COUPLE OF TIMES, AND I HAD TO STOP JUMPING TO LAUGH, MY FACE WAS RED AND I WAS COUPHING, I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN AND I TRULY WAS DRUNK WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT. IT CONTINUED FOR A LONG TIME, THEN I THOUGHT WHEN I WAS FINISHED WITH THE JUMPING AND LAUGHING I THOUGHT I'D COME IN AND CHECK THE MESSAGES BEFORE I STARTED PACKING FOR THE T RIP, BEING SURE YOU WOULDN'T GET MY MESSAGE UNTILL TONIGHT AFTER I HAD GONE. WHAT A SURPRISE, WHAT A SURPRISE, NO WORDS CAN EXPRESS MY JOY. WHAT A TESTIMONY.

His Joy Comes In The Morning

Yesterday was SO HEAVY...my spirit has just been so heavy for days now...but I had a breakthrough yesterday afternoon....here is an excerpt of what I wrote in an email to my mom yesterday:

Hi Mom,

Your email made me laugh - which is good because I've been crying and intense for 2 days!! No, my weekend wasn't very good...I'm getting hit hard by the enemy - I think he knows something big is in store for me, but I am having a hard time standing up under it. I don't know why I'm crying, really. Sierra was up most of the night with nightmares, I'm real intense. She made 3 pictures last night all about wanting a daddy, not having a daddy, how confusing her life is without a daddy, what she wants in a daddy - it's heavy, real heavy, and I don't know what to do with it. I'm praying and feel like God isn't answering - so, please pray for us, we're in it pretty deep. Feel free to share this with Diane, too - it's fine - I need all the prayer I can get right now!!

All day I was just broken over this issue with Sierra and her deep, deep desire for a Daddy. I'm also realizing some of my own stuff...the main things are that I haven't trusted God with my heart, that I don't know HOW to be loved and that I've lived out the lie that my feelings are unimportant and that my responsibility is to care for other people's feelings. Well, yesterday there were many people praying with me and talking with me and loving me...what a wonderful thing!! I began to feel lighter and then last night we had an awesome worship service and it was great!! Here is an excerpt from the email I sent this morning!!!

Hi Mom, Hi Diane!!

I LOVE This!! Thank you!! This is in line with what I am feeling is going to happen - our big day of healing is tomorrow, but I feel God working in me already. I had a breakthrough yesterday afternoon and was able to come against FEAR - then last night we had worship and it was awesome - we all bowed down together and I was flat on my face and crying out and for the first time I callled out to DADDY from the depths of my soul and cried out "hold me daddy!" and it was spontaneous and sincere. Here is what I wrote in my journal last night:

Tonight I called you Daddy for the first time from my heart. I held my arms up to You and asked You to hold me. I say "yes" to you. I choose You, I trust You. I want to get out of the boat. Amen!

In my journal I drew the picture I saw...me bowing in front of the cross with fear hightailing it out of there!

Then this morning (God is really funny...getting me up in the middle of the night or really early!) I saw a dam and it was holding back the LIVING WATERS...first a drop made it through. Then two drops. Then a tiny trickle, and a little bit bigger trickle. Before long, the living water was rushing through my heart and cleansing me, bringing forth life - The streams of Living Water were running freely - AMEN! I believe as I am healed that my weight and body will be restored to where God wants them and I will be healed of those issues as well.

I am learning how to be "real" with God...I see that something I've lived by is that my feelings are not important and it is my job to fix everyone else's feelings...I've denied and pushed down my own because I thought they were unrighteous and unimportant. I want to make them "pretty" and "acceptable" and "palatable" and it's hard to leave ugly feelings "out there" without cleaning them up. This is tied up with my not knowing how to receive love and be loved...but I feel God moving! The darkness lasts for a night but his joy comes in teh morning!

The song of my heart right now is

Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes Yes Lord!
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes Yes Lord!
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes Yes Lord, Amen!

I am crushed but not broken
persecuted not abandoned
struck down but not destroyed

I am blessed beyond the curse
for His promise will endure
His joy's gonna be my strength!
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes in the morning!!

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down
for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying them down
for the joy of the Lord!

And I say YES LORD, YES LORD, YES YES LORD! YES LORD, YES LORD, YES YES LORD!

AMEN!! Praise the Lord...Thank you for your prayer and support and encouragement!!

Intensity

Last week we learned about the Father Heart of God...it waas really good and Jim May, the guy who spoke on it was just a big teddy bear grandpa type. At the end he asked if anyone needed a daddy hug, so I jumped up and got one!!

Over the weekend, our group went to a place called Turtle Bay in Redding and then on Sunday everyone watched the Superbowl. I felt that I didn't get time to really soak in and press in and meditate on all this daddy stuff, and Lord knows I need to - this is a big topic for me. So, I came into this week feeling intense and under pressure.

Now we're in Plumb Line...my intensity has only increased and I'm just crying, crying, crying - why?? I couldn't even really tell you - just really emotional and intense and being barraged by a storm of emotions (none of them good). Yesterday one of the ladies told me to "take it slow", so I'm taking that advice...she says it doesn't happen in a day. My response was "God made the world in 6 days, he ought to be able to heal me in one!!"....but I was (mostly) kidding...haha. So, I'm trying to slow it down.

Ok...time to go in for day 2....pray for me!!

Truth Box

Our topic last week was "Truth Box"...the idea is that we each have inside of us a "truth box" in which are the beliefs we hold. Most of the contents have been put in there throughout life based on our experiences and what people we trusted have told us. The rub comes when what we hold in our box doesn't line up with reality. We talked a lot about the character of God and were challenged to examine our box to see if the beliefs we held lined up with the character of who God is. As you can imagine, many do not.

This sounds simplistic and easy, but let me tell you - it was not! When you believe something, it is very hard to change your view on it. Last week was exhausting and by Thursday I felt totally drained. I took probably 40 pages of notes throughout the week! Of course, I'll never be able to give justice to the teaching - being directly involved is really the only way to have it soak in deep - but I will try to summarize my (FORTY PAGES) notes here...

We began by just simply asking the question "How do you know the things you know?" There were lots of answers; school, experience, logical expression, reading, etc. Essentially, everything we know came from outside of us, and was then put inside of us - in short, by someone telling us or by experience. From there we went down a philosophy trail a bit. We discussed the possibilty of a square earth (as opposed to round). We each had to admit we had not actually seen the entire earth, nor measured it out, but in fact had trusted teachers, books and pictures as being a true representation of the earths' shape...essentially, we were told so as children and we trusted the person who told us, so we believed it.

We then defined truth as "agreeing with reality" and we defined reality as "the thing that is" (are you having fun yet?). Therefore, untruth would then be defined as disagreeing with reality, having a false perception, believing a lie.

We also agreed that truth can be complementary, but never contradictory, and that two opposite realities simply cannot exist (logic...always the most fun class in college!). A real issue in the world today is the question posed by Pilate, and that is "WHAT is truth?"...this question is based on the assumption that truth is subjective and unable to be proven. It boils down to a morality that says you can never be deceived, and that there is no right or wrong. This was big with me as I see a lot of this in my area of the country.

It comes to this - that our "truth box" becomes the authority in our lives by which we live our life and make all of our decisions. The two areas in which the most important beliefs come in are our pictures of God and our pictures of ourselves. Basically, we had to come to the place where we admit that everything in our truth box is NOT necessarily true! To me this is a big "DUH"...I think any woman could honestly say this as we come to the place where we look honestly at ourselves and realize that we are not seeing ourselves (our bodies) for what they really are - we focus on the negative so much because the media presents this impossible picture of beauty (a lie), and we buy into it.

As we spent time examining our truth box, we also spent a lot of time examining the character of God and what lies we have in our boxes regarding Him. The biggest one I got, I already shared - that is, that I wasn't trusting Him to bring a daddy into Sierra's life...so, I've had to get real with myself about some trust issues I've got with God!!!

This week we are looking at the Father Heart of God, so going deeper into our boxes with regard to how our views of our heavenly father have been formed based on misrepresentations of Him, and getting the right picture of Him based on who HE says He is.

We hear that next week is "Plumb Line"...I'm guessing my dad will know what that means - it's a term in construction where they use a string with a weight on it to determine if something is straight. We keep hearing things about how powerful the week will be...we're all a little anxious! Hehe.

Hiders of The Word

Yesterday we had this couple in our class, Rod and Jenn - they have a ministry doing scripture presentations. They call themselves "Hiders of The Word" and they present entire books of scripture from memory. It was very cool! Last week Rod did the book of James for us - it took me a bit before I realized he was quoting scripture. Then yesterday his wife did Philippians.

It got me really excited to hear the entire book all at once and to consider scripture in the whole that way. I went home last night and read Colossians out loud and it was definitely really cool. I have struggled for years to find joy in reading the Bible, and to understand it and to carve out time to do it regularly - but it's always been very difficult for me. Last night as I was reading Colossians, I began to feel the joy and the fire start burning inside about reading scripture, so I was really excited!! I told Rod today and he was really happy.

Sierra is still saying she wants to go to China someday, so I think if we begin to memorize entire books at a time, it would really help us if we ever get there. Cool, huh?

A Picture Says A Thousand Words

For anyone who isn't aware, my original camera was stolen back when we were in Mexico, so I ended up buying a new one before coming up here to Chico. I've got a few pictures downloaded and figured I'd share some of them with you to give you a better sense of where we are at! So, with no further adieu...



This is the hotel where conference guests stay - also, our classes are here and this is where we go to eat. It has a mammoth fireplace and lots of couches and chairs in the lobby, so everyone hangs out there a lot. The whole base takes break there from 10-10:30





This is Cooper House, where I live...a few days after we got here it was raining and sunny at the same time, so we all came out in search of rainbows and were rewarded with this one! God's promise of something!!









This is the river that runs behind the hotel...isn't it pretty?








This is a bunch of us having our journal making party...it lasted for several days!! In the picture, starting from the left are: Mirriam, George, Me, Angela and Doris. Lots of people came and went over the course of our party.




Here are Marcus and Aaron - Aaron is on the left, Marcus on the right. They live up the hill a ways, across the river. It's quite a hike, but they're up to it. They're the two single guys in the bunch.






Far, far up above the property are these crosses, looking down on us. Sierra went on a hike with some of the other girls up to them and took these pictures. They said it was quite a hard hike!!





Well, there are lots more photos I could show you, but I will save them for another time!! It's almost 3 o'clock, so time to get to my chores. By the way, my chore is to clean the bathrooms for the kids' school...it's pretty easy, really. Sierra and her friend Jenna are helping me and they are so cute - they jump right in there and clean the toilets, even the boys urinals, without complaint! I'm really proud of them. So - it's off to work I go, heigh ho heigh ho!

A Little Tumble

Oh yeah - ok, if you don't know the scoop - before I came to YWAM someone told me that going through the DTS program is like being a rock in a rock tumbler. Well, I had my first little tumble today!!

This morning we had a guy come to speak to us about intercessory prayer and what that means. Through it, I just really began to see my doubts and my lack of faith in God to answer my prayers and in myself for my inability to know God's heart...it was like a lightening bolt to my heart, to see what a doubting Thomas I am!!!

Specifically, I was brokenhearted about a particular issue going on - and that is Sierra's deep, deep desire for a daddy. She just wants a daddy so much and often cries at night because she doesn't have one that loves her and is in her life. I have felt frozen in fear as to how to pray - I didn't want to begin fervently praying for a daddy for her and then not have it happen and have that hurt her faith. The bottom line is that I was working out of FEAR and not out of faith in God's desire to fulfill the desires of her heart and His own desire for her to have a daddy. After Steve (the guy who talked) left, we had a break and I went looking for him directly to talk to him about what was on my heart. I couldn't find him anywhere, and then I noticed Kerry sitting by himself - Kerry will be one of the leaders of our class, but he and his wife just joined us yesterday so we don't really know him yet. Anyway, I went over and just started talking to him, but was totally broken down in tears within seconds. He helped me to see that Sierra's desire for a daddy is a desire born out of God's own heart - it's not from Satan, and it's not selfish - it's what God would want for her. Also, how fear was at work and that I need to stand against that. We also talked about how I was holding onto fear about relationships and marriage because I'd "drowned" previously in my two marriages (from a story he related yesterday...I'll clarify in a minute). I realized that I WAS holding onto fear and confessed that immediately. Now I am working on trusting God to bring Sierra a daddy, but to take out of the equation my own timeline, how I think it will look, etc.

We went back into class and I was still pretty weepy for the rest of the morning. At lunch, Sierra came up to me and knew I'd been crying right away - so we ate pretty quickly and went on a hike to the waterfalls where I was able to confess to her my lack of faith in that area and how I'd been afraid to pray. Being the great kid she is, she immediately forgave me and encouraged me and we agreed to come together and really pray about this area and to release our expectations of when or how it might come about. We talked about the many different ways God could answer that prayer and realized there were many more than we could even imagine. So, I'm feeling a lot better about it now.

After my chores were done, I came home and Sierra had shared with her friend Jenna about it and they had made me a really sweet card. The inside reads "Hi Mommy, I just want you know that God is with you always. Just keep your eyes on God!!! Love, Sierra". It was all decorated all over and was so sweet.

Regarding the "drowning"...yesterday Kerry shared with us about 2 women he had met who had been Christians for a long time, but absolutely refused to do a water baptism. Upon talking with them, he found out they had both almost drowned as children and had a real fear of going underwater (sound familiar, mom?). He talked with them about fear and the end result was that one of them gave it to God and had a water baptism and was set totally free of her fear as she was baptized. The other one would not give up her fear and continued to believe the lie that her fear was for her own safety and would keep her from drowning. So, the correlation for me was that my fear is based on my belief that it will keep Sierra safe - and me, too. There is a place for fear, and it is the beginning of wisdom - but it should not rule your life, and that is what it was doing to me in this area. It was quite humbling as I really had thought I had dealt with my fear and overcome them...but obviously there is more in there to root out! Praise God!

So, that is my very transparent rock tumbler story for today...whew!

Come, Now Is The Time To Worship

Last week the theme of our teaching was "Worship Is A Lifestyle"...this is a bit different than "worship AS a lifestyle" because the "as" makes it optional, while the "is" makes it something inherent in what you do, and becomes natural (hopefully!). Our speaker was Dale Harrison, who happens to be the Director of this particular YWAM base.

The topic was interesting, and we discussed a lot about worship and really dug down into it. I'll never do it justice here in this short space, but I'll try to get out the basics - which really is just another way of saying that I'll go over the things that stick out in my mind because they impacted me in some way.

The first thing we went over is just the simple fact that worship is not only music. I know that is really basic and simple, but so often when we think of worship, we identify it with music...worship service is a service of music; worship time is the time we sing in church; etc. One thing Dale said that really resonated with me is that Satan wants to take the Holy things of God and make them common. Think about that and how true it can be.

Of course, worship can be a form of music, but there are so many other things that can be worship. Basically it boils down to a heart thing...and that anything you do - be it scrubbing toilets or raising your hands and singing - can be worship. The key ingredient to it is that it is directed TOWARD God - it is a vertical relationship and it is ABOUT God...His goodness and His holiness and all of the things that He IS.

A big theme of what we talked about centered around relationship, and God's desire for a relationship with us...that He created us to be relational because He is relational. A love relationship (or any relationship, I guess) has many levels, from very shallow to much deeper - what we strive for is a deep, personal and intimate relationship with God. And that is something He ALWAYS wants, and has wanted since before time began. So, it begins with talking and just the simple fact that lovers talk - and Jesus is, after all, the lover of our soul, right?? It also points to transparency and honesty with God - He's not surprised by ANY of our feelings, and isn't it pretty silly to NOT be honest with Him, since He knows anyway? Haha...easy to say!! But we just talked about how everyone will say (or at least Christians, I guess) "I Love God"....but are their actions showing love? Is there substance behind those words?

We also talked about how feelings are not worship - this was a big one for me because I am so wary of "emotionalism" and that sort of thing - yes, worship can be emotional, and we worship with all of us - including our emotions - but just because we don't get overwhelmed with emotion doesn't mean we are not worshipping - sometimes it is a choice, and not a feeling. I guess these are all basics on many levels, but always good to be reminded of the basics!

One thing we talked about was how Moses wore the mask over his face when he came down from the mountain after his encounter with God and that he wore that to hide the glory of what had happened because it was too much for the people to bear...but he continued to wear it after the glory had worn off of his face and that he might have done this so the people wouldn't be aware that the glory had faded. We discussed how this is parallel to the "mask" of religion we often wear to hide the last encounter we had with God - this was a really interesting idea that got a lot of us talking!! We all realized how easy it is to slip on that mask of religion, and how we need to guard against that - it is not honesty.

Another thing I thought was cool was that the tabernacle doors were set at 5'5", which forced the priests to bow as they entered the doors - thus taking on a stance of humility and reverence toward God.

Something I really love is learning the Hebrew and Greek meanings of the original text - I think it gives so much more breadth and depth to the reading and helps me to understand God's heart more fully. As we studied worship last week, we went over 7 different words that were translated from Greek and Hebrew into "worship" and what those different meanings were - it was fascinating (to me anyway!). From meanings of raising your hands to dancing to quiet contemplation, it's all in there - but the cool thing (for a wild thing like me) is that the most COMMON form of worship mentioned in the Bible is "Halal", which means to shine, to be clamorously foolish - you KNOW I love this one! Haha!! It really ties into a favorite song of mine..."I will dance, I will sing - to be foolish, for my king...oh yes, I'll be even more undignified than this! Some may call it foolishness, but I'll be even more undignified than this!" Oh yeah - a song right up my goofy alley!

ANYWAY, that is just a brief overview of what we went over - pretty good stuff. My "practical application" is to really commit to reading God's word for at least 20 minutes 3-4 times a week (this is a historically very difficult habit for me!!!) and also to spend 10-15 minutes a day just being QUIET and listening for God's voice and trusting that He really wants to talk to me and communicate with me - afterall, lovers talk!!

I would say the main theme I see emerging is the Father Heart of God and Relationship and what that means. Both very good ones for me!

oh yeah

I guess I forgot some of the stuff we do around here, huh? Hehe.

But FIRST of all, I want to say something, so LISTEN UP!! When I was home over Christmas there were a LOT of you who said you loved to read this blog and all that...but really, let me tell you - I had no idea anyone was reading it!! Please, please, please post comments for me because I really do love to get your feedback. Also, it keeps me motivated to continue posting, otherwise I just feel like I'm just writing into thin air and will skip it. So, that is my request - let me know what you think and all that jazz! Thanks.

Okay, now back to our regularly scheduled program. So...here is what our days look like, at least Monday through Friday.

6:00 am - Wake up
6:45 am - Breakfast
8:00 am - Class Starts - Worship until about 9:00
10:30 am - Break for 1/2 hour
12:00 pm - Lunch
1:00 pm - Lecture
2:30 pm - Class lets out
3:00 pm - Chores until 5:00 pm
5:30 pm - Dinner

On Monday mornings the entire base (schools, staff, volunteers, etc) gets together at 8 am for worship. On Tuesday evenings there is service for the entire base plus anyone else who wants to come from 7:00-9:00 pm. Friday mornings the base gets together for intercessory prayer. Also, on Friday nights (call it Saturday mornings) from Midnight-3:00 am they have "through the night" prayer for anyone who wants to join them - count me on the short list for that one!!

Saturdays we're free to do whatever, and Sundays we can go to church wherever we want in the community - Sunday afternoons are also free.

So, that's the basic schedule. We are required to keep a journal, so we have all been getting together all week to decorate our journals and prepare them. They are due each Monday morning and we are required to keep 4 pages....2 pages that include the following concepts from our lectures: confirmed beliefs, new ideas and practical application; another page of meditation with at least 3 scriptures and the last page where we process the challenging and the satisfying times we had during the week.

In addition to the journals, we have quite a bit of reading and will be required to turn in 4 book reports - one of which is to be a research report on our outreach country, which is Fiji. So, as you can see, our "free time" after 6 pm isn't really so free after all!! Besides all of this, there is, of course, time with Sierra, visiting, going on walks, Sierra's homework, etc. Needless to say, our time is pretty well packed. Getting up so early definitely has us in bed by about 9, or even earlier - I think just everything we're taking in is also tiring.

Okay, so that is pretty much the complete picture of what our "daily lives" look like. I will update more tomorrow (hopefully) with pictures and also with some more of what we talked about this week. Remember to give me comments!!

Nuts & Bolts

I'm sure everyone is curious about the nuts n' bolts stuff of what we're doing here, so I'll start there today. First of all, there are 18 people in the Crossroads course - 15 adults and 3 kids. The kids are Sierra, Mitchell (14) and Reanna (15).

There are 4 couples, 5 single women (including me), and 2 single men. Most are from the US, but we have one woman from Canada and one from Switzerland. Another one of the women was originally from the Philippines, but is now living in the US. Now let's see if I can remember everyone's name, age range and location!! Haha...ok, here goes.

Well, there is ME...My name is Dayna and I'm 36 years old. I am from Northern California, but most recently spent 6 months in Mexico. I am here with my 11 year old daughter, Sierra. Doing pretty well so far, don't you think??

In my house are the four single women - Tracey from Canada, Doris from Switezerland, Mirriam from Los Angeles and Angela from Sacramento. There is also a couple from Michigan, George and Elaine.

The two single guys live by themselves on the other side of the crick - they get to take the long hike in and out of camp. They are Marcus from Texas and Aaron from Hawaii.

We have two couples who are staying in their motorhomes and they are Bob and Mila from New York, and Paul and Susan from Idaho.

The other family (besides me and Si) also have a house by themselves a few doors down from the community house (called Cooper House) - they are Dale and Kim. They will be moving to Panama after Crossroads, so are in the process of selling off their stuff, including their home. They have the other 2 kids in the group.

The property is beautiful - it's about 10 miles outside of Chico and feels pretty remote. There are several buildings on the property - the main building is the hotel which was built back in the 1920's. It is brick and very stately. There is a mammoth fireplace and couches all over the lobby, so it is a main hangout (and where I happen to be right now, as a matter of fact - right in front of the fire!). Our classes are in this building. There is also "The Lodge" which is where the younger DTS students are housed...they have air hockey and pool tables and whatnot, so it is also a hangout. Then there is Cooper House, where a lot of us Crossroaders are. It's a really pretty old house and there are lots of games and couches and a big fireplace and a kitchen and big table and it's all set up, so it is a hangout for us people in Crossroads.

Then there is Ebenezer Hall, which is where we meet for worship on Monday mornings and Tuesday nights, and for intercessory prayer on Friday mornings. It is down the hill....86 stairs!! It is right next to the ICS, which is the International Christian School, where Si goes to school. The pool, tennis courts and basketball courts are also down by there. All of this is on the western side of the creek, along with several houses where staff live and also some cabins for visitors. On the other side of the bridge are more houses for staff and a baseball field.

There are also lots of trails and places to hikd and explore, which we hope to get a chance to do this weekend. I'm hoping to get out my GPS machine I bought and try some geocaching!!! Maybe we'll even hide something!

This weekend we are getting the whole group together and we are going to go see the movie "End of the Spear" about Jim Elliot and the missionaries who were killed in South America...I'm really excited to see it as I had met Steve Saint (the son of one of the missionaries) at the Spirit West Coast concert a few years back.

The household seems to be doing really well together and not having any problems with the whole "communal" living situation. All of the kids have taken to hanging out there, which is fun and infuses the house with lots of energy and life...and NOISE! Haha. I'm always concerned about Sierra bothering other people and being too loud, but they seem to really enjoy her for the most part. I really am impressed and just love how much YWAM as an organization realizes the importance of children and their place as missionaries right alongside us and that is great and really sits well with my own heart.

I am finding that I am really infused with a lot of excitement and just want to have so many people come up here and experience the whole thing...to really get infused with God's love and to know his heart intimately...it's really cool.

Okay, well, there's some nuts n' bolts for y'all! Tonight Sierra is having her friend Jenna spend the night, so she had to go to each person and ask their permission and they are all okay with it. She is really rising to the occasion and seems to like the community thing. One funny story....on Tuesday night when we went to the worship meeting, they were talking about how worship takes on many "looks" and to do whatever you felt led to do, whether that was dancing, singing, being still, raising your hands, waving a flag or whatever. The kids were in the back with those dancing flags and having a grand old time waving them and running around. At some point they began to play tag and were generally getting a bit out of hand and one of the staff members went to talk to them and tell them to quiet down a bit. Afterward I was talking to Sierra and asked her what happened...she and her friend Jenna said that all they were doing was WORSHIPPING, because after all, they had said anything you did was okay!! Haha...it was pretty funny. I guess that qualifies as "be careful what you say", huh?

Day 2

It's Tuesday, and we got out of class a bit ago. I've been visiting with a woman named Angela and getting to know her - it's great to be able to spend time with people and get to know them on a deeper level. It's encouraged and there is plenty of time set aside to do it, so it is really cool.

Sierra started school yesterday and has made friends with a girl named Jenna who is 10 years old. Jenna was born here on the base and has been living here her whole life. Her mom is from Brazil. Both the girls are so excited to have a friend, and it's a real answer to prayer! Sierra is enjoying school pretty much - although she says it's "boring"...haha, don't they always say that?? She tested to see where she was at, and she seems to be right where she needs to be in Language Arts - we'll find out in Math today or tomorrow. They went on a hike yesterday, and I guess that's something they do a few times a week, which is really cool. I guess one kid got too far ahead of the others and had to write 25 sentences! There are only 7 kids in her school from 3rd through 12th grade - there are more in the Pre-K through 2nd grade, I guess, but not a lot. All together there are probably about 15 or so kids on base and a couple babies. The kids all play really well together and have a lot of freedom to play and run around having fun - it's a great enviornment for them to be able to do that and it's really safe, too.

After everyone left on Sunday, Sierra just broke down crying immediately and was saying "I don't want them to go! I don't want them to go!" It was so heartbreaking. I just let her cry and held her tight and after a few minutes she was okay and ready to get going again.

The people here are so, so friendly and kind and really a testament to God's love and grace. They are from all different backgrounds and circumstances, but you can really see the love of God in everyone. There is another single mom here who works on base and we seem to be drawn together, so I'm hoping we can get a chance to get to know one another.

So far, we've mostly been doing orientation sorts of stuff, so not really into the depths of what we'll be doing yet. However, everything that's been said so far has really resonated with my spirit and seems right on and really coming from a balanced perspective. We'll be keeping journals and having more in-depth study starting tomorrow.

It's really cold here today, and we went out on a tour of the base...BRRRR. I thought I would get whipped right away with all the wind! I don't think I got nearly anything out of the tour because I was just so cold. Now I'm sitting in front of the fire and it's much nicer. For some reason it is really quiet, so enjoying just relaxing and reflecting a bit.

Here we are

Saturday afternoon we packed up the van and headed off...me, Sierra, my mom Judy, my sister Diane and my two neices Allie and Maddie. The drive was so pretty - the clouds were intense and boiling and it made the green just burst out while the dark silouettes of the trees were ominous against the sky. There were tons of birds and it was just a really powerful scene.

We had been told the road gets really curvy, so we kept waiting for the curves...of which none ever materialized! We got up to Chico and found a hotel and were excited to find out that dinner and breakfast was included! Yeah!

So, we all bunked up in the hotel and in the morning we got going eventually, taking some time out for lunch and (of course) coffe. We finally started heading out to the YWAM base about 1:30. The ride out was beautiful - it's deep in a canyon and quite remote. I was expecting it to be a pine forest (redwoods), but it's actually oaks and bluffs and streams and hills - very pretty.

As we drove up, we were greeted by Jeannie, who recognized me from my picture and came right up to give us all a big hug and show us around - what a reception! Later we met Ken, who was equally as kind and welcoming. The base is beautiful and we are in a big house with 8 other people. We have our own room, and the cool thing is that Sierra has her own space off from mine, so we each get a little privacy. The only thing I'm concerned about is that we share 1 bathroom between 6 of is, which includes 2 men...so, I guess we'll see how that works out!

Dinner was great and everyone is really nice and excited.

Ok...well, that is all for now - worship is in 10 minutes and I have to go get Sierra and get down there. More later!

On the road again...

In case you don't know this about me, let me tell you...one of the most reviled chores in my opinion is PACKING! Oh, it's so frustrating and overwhelming for me - I just hate it. I freak out about what I need to bring, about what I need to leave behind because I'm bringing too much, about EVERY, SINGLE possibility on EARTH that might occur while I'm away for which I need to be completely prepared....all the while wanting to keep it simple and light. A nightmare, that's what it is.

So, that is what I'm doing now. Yup, we're on the move again...and we are very excited! Sierra's been packing all week and is revved up.

While in Mexico, I began to realize that there was more to service than what I was doing and that I wanted my faith to be reflected more directly in the service work I was doing. I guess the word for what I am feeling would be called "evangelism"...ugh, that reviled of all words! This word has, for me, been the equivalent of a very, very dirty word and I stayed far - as far away as possible - from any association with that awful word and all it represented. No shoving of my faith and beliefs down others throats, nosiree! No soapbox on the street corner in my lifetime, uh uh. I still don't believe I'd ever do those things...but I began to see that evangelism wasn't necessarily only those stereotypical views of it. Most of all, I realized I was totally unprepared for it.

This process all led me to an organization called Youth With A Mission (YWAM) - it's a group I've been familiar with for a long time, and so several months ago I began to take steps into exploring the idea of going through a Discipleship Training School more thoroughly. All of this has culminated in us leaving tomorrow for a 6 month trip. We'll go to Chico, California for 12 weeks of training and then on to Fiji for 8-10 weeks of mission outreach. I'm so excited!!! I know, I know...Fiji - rough place to have to go! Well, I guess we'll just suck it up and get going...haha!!

Well, my plan for this blog site is to continue using it as a journal and to be more consistent in updating it. Apparently we will be having to turn in a weekly journal during our training, so I am thinking I will just use my blog as my journal so you all get the real "inside" scoop. I am hoping that more of you will leave comments!! I hadn't realized how many people were reading this blog and was feeling like I was just writing it in thin air, but many of you have let me know that you read it and like it...so I'm hoping you'll leave comments for me to encourage me to keep on going!

Okay, well, here is an excerpt from the letter I sent my pastor some months ago explaining where my heart is regarding missions and evangelism....

"The more I am here, the deeper I want to go. In many ways, I feel vey unprepared and unequipped for missions...and I want to become more prepared and equipped. I also feel like I hear God saying "come deeper with me" and I feel this (very strange) desire for evangelism! That is really a 180 degree turn for me, as I usually shy far away from that word! We are loving people, and serving people...and I find myself wanting it to be MORE in the name of Jesus, and bringing the Word of God to people. I still love the children and my heart is still deep with orphans.

As I was thinking and praying on this, I thought about going to a missions school to get more equipped and found the YWAM Crossroads Discipleship Training School. What do you think of YWAM and the DTS/CDTS program? I am interested in attending. I feel like this time here in Mexico has confirmed that I do want to pursue missions more, and also that I want to do so with more preparation, and with a team of other believers."

Goodbye is hard

It was so hard to say goodbye to our friends in Mexico. The night before we were to leave, Sierra was up half the night, just crying her heart out over missing Mexico and her friends, her little babies at the pre-school and her little hamster Oliver. Everyone wanted to know when we'd be back and we didn't know what to say. Only the Lord knows!

The girls in my English class at the orphanage were all getting downcast about a week before it was time to go. Carmela stopped coming until the last day, and I knew it was because she was so sad. My heart was heavy and it was so sad to say goodbye.

When we went to say goodbye to Mari (Jasmine's mom), she just burst out sobbing and clung to me for several minutes crying and crying. It was so hard! Goodbyes are so hard!

By the time morning rolled around, it was time to go. Head 'em up, move 'em out...no more tears, just march. Little old Ramon came out to help us load up, and so did Javier. I've really grown to love Ramon and was sad to say goodbye to him.

So, we loaded up the truck and moved on to Beverly...Hills, that is...haha. We had told Ramon we'd help him bring a few bags to the US since we were stopping over in Anaheim for a few days and that's where his family lives and he wanted to have some of his stuff taken there. Boy...that one falls into the category of not knowing what you are agreeing to!! He loaded us up with 5 (count 'em...1,2,3,4,5) big, huge bags - each about 60-75 pounds! Two of them were actually those giant yard waste bags. He was certain there would be porters to help us through....but no...not a porter to be found the entire time!! I was so exhausted trying to lug those 5 bags, PLUS our own stuff!!

We got to the bus station to take a bus to the Guadalajara airport...the bus was supposed to leave at 4:30 am. We got there at 4:15 am and everything was closed up. I was a little worried because our flight was at 7:20 am. We didn't have one minute of spare time to be late. I was also worried that all the extra luggage would arouse suspicions and we would be pulled aside for additional checking.

There were two men there who were very friendly - one of them lives in California and he was very chatty. They'd been there since 2:30 am and were also waiting for the bus to Guadalajara. Finally, about 4:25 am the guy came to sell us our tickets. The bus was late - it didn't get there until 4:40...and I was feeling anxious!! I kept worrying about it and worrying about it and Sierra kept saying "Mom - you need to leave that to the Lord!" I was thankful for her words, but also a little bugged! Haha...I got over it quick enough. She had to tell me several times because I'd give up the worry for about a minute and then pick it up again - you know...that worrying just might make the bus go faster! I suppose not.

At any rate, Sierra's new friend - the guy from the bus station - gave her $5 for Disneyland and she was just pleased as punch about that. American dollars looked so strange!! We finally pulled into the airport about 6:15 am....an hour until our flight left. I sent Sierra off to find a porter while I got the bags off the bus. She did find a guy with a handtruck and he helped us get into line for our flight, but then left us there with all of our bags! There were about 40 people ahead of us, so I had quite a ways to drag our stuff...first one bag, then back for another, and then another...and so on and so forth until they were all pulled forward - just about the time the line started to move again! Sierra ran off to use the bathroom and the people behind me were trying to cut in front because of my luggage moving issues and the lady was coming by to look at our documents and I was feeling pretty darn frazzled!!!

We finally got up toward the front of the line. They were checking everyone's bags and unzipping them and searching through...they were opening boxes that were taped and tied shut and I was anticipating some issues with our many bags. When we were about 3rd in line, a guy at the counter pointed to me and asked if we were traveling together (me and Sierra) and I said yes and he motioned me to the counter! I didn't get my bags checked! We just went right up and plopped them on the bag counter! I was so thankful and so relieved. We were pretty significantly over-limit with the bags, but he only charged us $51! I was feeling really good. We got our tickets with 45 minutes to take off, and then went to go through the line to get checked. We got through pretty quickly and with no problems...we headed to our gate and they loaded us up the bus that would take us to our airplane - we didn't get checked there, either! The Lord was really with us, because we ended up not getting checked anywhere! So, we loaded up and that was that - we were on our way.

We got to LAX and were heading out to get our luggage. Some lady in the customs department was waving to us that it was fine to cut through the line so we did and went over to get our luggage. I started thinking that it was strange that we didn't get our passports checked and verified so I went and asked another official looking guy - turns out we misunderstood and were supposed to get in line to do that, but they just took us up to another guy who looked over our passports and stamped us through. We got our luggage and loaded it up on two of those handcarts, but everything kept falling off because there was so much and those black plastic bags don't exactly sit squarely. That was frustrating and I was sweating and frazzled and I'm sure the people behind us were thinking some unfriendly things about us! Oh well...we finally got through, got out to the curb and picked up a van to Disneyland within minutes! Our driver was hilarious and was really complaining about our bags, but in a good natured way, and I really liked him.

We ended up sitting next to a woman on her way to a convention for psychologist's and she was also a Christian, and her daughter was getting ready to leave and go to Costa Rica with her family for 6 months to do missions so it was really cool to sit with her and talk. She was from Chico, which is our next step toward going to missions (more on that next time).

We finally got to our hotel and got checked in - the guy at the front desk was so nice. We called Ramon's family and they came and got his stuff, so we were down to just our two backpacks (Praise the Lord!). We went to Disneyland, but within two hours came back because we were so tired and we went to bed! Our first American meal??? Taco Bell!!! HAHA! What goobers, huh?

So, back in the USA....still thinking it's pretty strange to put the TP into the toilet and US Dollars are looking pretty strange. It's weird to speak English and have everyone around us understanding what we are saying...guess we'll speak Spanish when we want to talk in "code"...

Big Surprises

Well, you may have noticed that I haven't been blogging much in the past few weeks...that's because we had a big surprise coming up and I didn't want to ruin it!

Oh gosh, where to begin? Well...a few months ago I started to realize that I was doing quite a bit to help the people of Mexico and I loved it - I can definitely see that this is part of the calling on my life. Both Sierra and I feel like we thrive in these conditions and we love the people we've come to know. We love the culture, and we love being servants.

I began to realize, however, that something was missing. We were providing people with food, clothing, money, toys....many things that they needed for TODAY. But what about TOMORROW? What happens when we leave? What hope will these people hold onto for their futures and the futures of their children and families?

I also was beginning to see some of the side effects of giving, giving, giving to people. It was robbing them of their dignity to provide for themselves, of the pride that comes in working hard. It was causing greediness and jealousy to come out in the children, along with a demanding spirit. In other words, it was not always bringing out the best in people!

Now, believe me...I still love to give to people. I want to serve them and bring joy, hope and happiness into the hearts of people who don't have a lot of that. I will never forget how excited Jasmine was to receive that barbie doll. It is my privelege to serve others and I find a deep joy in doing so.

What I realized, however, is that I want to give them more...something everlasting, that will continue to provide hope and joy - the true kind that comes from deep within our spirit. I realized that people need more than food and clothes and shelter - for certainly these are the basics and we all need them...but people need their spirits nurtured in addition to their physical needs. I began to realize that I was ready to take my own faith walk deeper and that I was desiring to share with them the hope I have, the hope in Christ Jesus - a hope that is everlasting and will endure beyond this life.

I started to look into missionary programs and decided to pursue an opportunity with Youth With A Mission (YWAM). When I first became a Christian 15 years ago, I was on fire to go do missions, and I started applying to YWAM at that time. It ended up not working out at that time. So anyway, I started the application process to YWAM for a school that starts January 15, 2006. I realized that I would want to spend the holidays with my family before leaving for the 6 month mission and so began to make preparations to come home a bit earlier than expected.

As you may guess...this is where the "big surprise" comes in (hehe). I changed my flight and my parents knew about what was going on...but not my sister. My parents had just come home from Israel and so they invited my sister and her family over to see the pictures and visit....after they were here for a little bit, Sierra and I came running out of the bedroom yelling "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!"...it was SO great! My niece Allie was jumping up and down and my sister was jumping up and down and everyone was so excited! It was awesome! They couldn't even believe that we were home! We had lots of fun visiting that night.

The next day we went to church and it was fun to see everyone again. Afterward, we went "GEOCASHING" with my sister and some other people in the church - have you tried this? It is SO MUCH fun! It's basically like a scavenger hunt using GPS machines to find locations and you have to try to figure out clues and stuff. We did it as a race with 5 teams and then pizza afterward....what a blast. I definitely want to do it again.

So, we've been home for 6 days now and have been having a great time relaxing and visiting and having a cup of (good) coffee here and there. It's been a huge blessing to be here with my family...they are so, so, so special to me!

Cirio and the Tarascans

Wow, am I tired!!! We got home this morning at 5 am!

We started out yesterday at 9:30 am...well, that was the plan anyway - remember, this is Mexico. I thought we were doing good when the truck showed up at my house at 9:20 or so to pick up the bags of clothes. We loaded up and headed over to the church. There were about 20 or so people, and about 40 more bags!

We loaded up the truck with as much as we could while the other ladies and myself got the rest of the bags tied up. The kids were playing around and having fun. The pastor said he had to go get the other trucks and off he went. Apparently one of the people who had a truck got the days mixed up so we short one.

So, we waited. And we waited...and I reminded Sierra we were in Mexico and we laughed. We played tag with the kids, keep away and other games. Sierra ran back and forth to the house at least 6 times.

A couple of hours later, they showed up with one old van. How on earth would we fit everyone plus the band equipment and remaining bags in the van??? It was impossible. A few people volunteered not to go. A few more people showed up, ready to go. We started loading the bags and the band equipment in the back...there was a seat missing so we had a bit more space. We put things under the seats and between the seats and against the doors. Next we started loading people...first a young woman and a little girl on her lap. Next another young woman and a boy on her lap. Finally me with Sierra on my lap. All six of us on a seat for 2. Then another kid climbed up on top of the bags in the back and made a space there. Then another kid came and stood next to me with his head out the window in the 2-person seat. Then the driver, then a woman and her baby and finally the pastor. Yes...you counted correctly - 12 people in all! We squeezed another 3 in the truck and off we went. I'm sure you can guess...but nary a seatbelt among us.

The little boy standing next to me is a handful and he wanted to hang his head and hands out and wouldn't listen about bringing them in. This was a common theme throughout the day, which made our trip a little harder to bear. We sang songs and did the Spanish version of "There's a hole in the bottom sea" and the kids fought over the Gameboy until I finally took it and put it away. The truck was having a lot of problems losing oil and overheating, so we stopped frequently to deal with that and also to use the restrooms and get food.

As it started to get dark we pulled off the highway onto a dirt road and began driving up. The further we went, the more the road resembled a dry riverbed. The van kept bottoming out. At one point Sierra and two of the boys hopped out of the van and road the last 1/2 hour on top of the bags in the back of the truck - boy, did they think they were something!

We passed several people walking, and a few burros - one poor burro had 4 kids of various sizes on it, with the mom walking alongside! The houses were made of wood, and the wooden slats were spaced apart so that they didn't provide very good protection from the elements...but probably had good ventilation!

We finally pulled into Cirio at around 8, I think - it was dark and we were hungry. We quickly unloaded everything from the vehicles and the band began to set up. Sierra really pitched in with unloading everything and everytime I turned around she was there to grab another bag! I started to introduce myself to some of the women and admire their babies and to make friends with the kids.

This is an area that is significantly colder than where we are at in Tepa - it's up in the mountains and let me tell you, it was freezing! The women had a fire going and so we huddled around the fire while the the band tuned their instruments. Sierra, in her usual good form, had a ton of kids playing tag within minutes. They all watched her with a mixture of amusement and awe and giggled at everything she did - she has certainly found her element here in Mexico, as far as being the center of attention!

Soon enough the band was ready, so we all went inside and began to worship. There were about 75 of us all together. Sierra and I were dancing and clapping and jumping around. People were enjoying the music, and as some time went by they began to really worshp and get into it. There was one young man - I would guess he was in his early 20's - he was really going for it, jumping and praising and dancing. It was so great to watch. After worship we had a short service and the pastor shared his past with drinking and drugs and I think that was really powerful. They talked about how Jesus doesn't look at what you do or what you have, but at your heart and that all he wants is for us to do is love him with our hearts. After the service many people went up for prayer.

Afterward we visited with people a bit more and then we got dinner - it was about 11:30 by the time. Dinner was great - meat, beans, tortillas, avocados, nopal, salsa and sodas to drink. Michoacan is the place where all of the avocados are grown, so we had plenty of them! They gave us all a huge bag to bring home, too. Nopal is cactus - it's really tasty, as long as you "de-slime" it first!! It's got this slimy stuff in it and that kind of grosses me out...but the taste is yummy.

We finally loaded up and got going about 12:30 in the morning. Two of the older boys decided to sleep in the back of the truck, so we were down to 10 of us in the van. The younger kids were sleeping, so we laid them on the floor in the back of the van and the mom, baby and one of the young women also. I shared the back seat with one of the young men and Sierra slept on the floor against the sliding door. Then of course we had our driving and the pastor up front keeping him awake. Sierra slept a bit off and on, but I wasn't able to sleep at all so we just sang a bit and visited a bit.

We finally pulled in about 5 am and off to bed we went! We're both still pretty tired - late nights (all nighters!!???!) don't work well with us - but we're so happy we did it. When we got home, Sierra said "that was fun, I want to do it again!" which sums up how we both felt.

Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving in the US....my family are going different directions to celebrate the holiday, but we are all together in heart - for this I am thankful!!

In a short while Sierra and I will be going with our church down to Michoacan to a very poor community. Remember all that laundry I did? Today we will see the fruition of our labor as we hand out clothes to the poor and introduce them to Jesus, have music and food, and generally join together with them in fellowship. I'm so excited! I'm really disappointed about not having my camera.

As I'm getting all the clothes together by the door to make it easier to load them on the trucks, I'm thinking about all the time and effort it took to do the washing, hanging out and folding and I'm glad I was able to do it. I think the Lord wants us to give good gifts, like He gives to us...and having the clothes clean and smelling nice is my way to make this gift good.

I'm reminded of how the kids pitched in to help, and they had so much fun racing up and down the stairs, trying to out-do each other on who could take the most clothes upstairs to hang them out to dry...laughing and egging each other on, begging me to give THEM the clothes so they could be the one to take them upstairs. What a blessing!

The other day I walked to the grocery store and after shopping, took a taxi home. As I drove up, Sierra came running up yelling "Mommy!!!!!" and all the other kids (about 6) came running up also...all of them asking "do you need help, Senora?" and they all grabbed a few bags out of the taxi and brought them inside, giggling all the way, with Sierra in the lead. What a blessing!!

This week, at the pre-school, I made those little handprint turkeys with the baby's hands for their parents....it's such an easy project and yet everyone was so impressed! The kids here don't get much in the way of art projects (read: nothing), so they had a good time and the teachers liked it too. Then, at the orphanage I had the kids do the same project...they were so great, and had so much fun just getting in there with color crayons and paper. The kids were ages 13-23 and most of them had not used crayons much and they all were having a blast coloring - what a blessing to take part in bringing them joy in such a simple way.

Yesterday, I showed them how Snow White signs her name at Disneyland and they all wanted me to write THEIR names like that...so we spent a lot of time doing that as they wanted me to do it over and over - all curly Q-ish and pretty.

I have so many blessings to be thankful for, and I'm glad that we have this holiday to remind us to focus on our blessings...things that make our life better and more fulfilling and bring us joy - things we should be remembering every day and living with an "attitude of gratitude"...that's how I want to live.

Happy Thanksgiving to All...and thank You Lord, for all of my many, many blessings!

Our God is an Awesome God!

I am not a person who holds things close to my chest...how I feel is generally right out there for anyone willing to know - meaning I don't just "emote" all over the place, but if someone wants to know whats going on with me, I will tell them.

I grew up learning that not telling the WHOLE truth is the same as lying, so I am compulsive about telling all that is on my heart...this is not always good, I've found. A lot of people simply don't care and a short "I'm fine" will suffice! As for myself, I feel like I'm being dishonest with people if I am not trasparent. I guess this is why I'll never be a great businesswoman!

Okay, now I'm starting to sound pathetic...I'm not...really!! Well, I probably am, but not in the desperate way that is coming through with this little confession! I'm sure my sister is laughing at me right now...she is a "processor" (along with my mom) and they always are asking me what I think about stuff, but I am not a processor so my answers are kind of short...haha! I guess it's all about perspective...I'm just not as deep as they are!

But back to the point...I've got some ideas running around in my head about what comes next for me and I wanted to wait for the "right" time to share them with my family...but I was beginning to feel dishonest because I wasn't sharing it NOW. I know there is some timing involved with sharing things in your heart, and with getting things put together in your mind and researched out and all that...but sometimes it feels like that window of opportunity is only open for so long and if you go beyond that it feels contrived and manipulative.

Well, with some things going on for me, I was beginning to feel that way...that waiting was contrived and manipulative. It's funny, but the deeper you dig, the deeper you feel the need to dig! I once heard a very wise person say....when you find yourself in a hole - stop digging!

So, anyway...one of the things I want to do (drum role, please) is go to missionary training for 6 months starting in January 2006. I think I've shared how I feel God calling me to go deeper in my faith and deeper with Him and I want to respond to this call. As I've served in various ways here in Mexico, I've come to realize that I want to offer more - I want to offer people the eternal hope that is only in Jesus. And I feel totally unprepared for that!!! It's SOOOOOOO uncomfortable for me, let me tell you! This is NOT where I would have seen myself, but here I am.

I've been filling out applications and asking for references and all of that, and need to raise $7,000 in support to go.

Anyway...more on that later! As far as my heart, I was feeling like some of the things going on for me weren't being put out there, and I was waiting for the "right" time to share it...but, as I said...it wasn't feeling good to wait. Yesterday I was feeling really down, sad. I was having a lot of self doubt and not sure whether or not I was doing the right thing, or if our time in Mexico has been well spent...am I living life on Purpose?? Has our time here, particularly our time here in Tepa, been beneficial? If we were do to it again, would we have stayed in Tepa after the disappointment with the orphanage? Maybe not...we both have a real heart for Chiapas, and perhaps we should have stayed there. But the thing is...God uses it all. He has us here for a purpose...maybe not the purpose we originally thought, but it's for something. And if we heard wrong and should have been somewhere else? Well, praise God...he works all things to the good of those who love the Lord! Either way, we can trust Him! Yeah God!

So I prayed a lot yesterday and through the night. This morning I decided I would try to put it down in an email to my parents...so I wrote a long email to my dad and you know what...I feel SO MUCH BETTER!! All my sadness is lifted and I'm feeling hopeful and excited again. Sometimes we just need to get it all out on the table, to be transparent. I am so thankful that I come from a family that encourages transparency and honesty and we all can truly support one another in that...so many families live with secrets and lies and don't share with each other.

I'm feeling great now...and don't you worry...I will tell you all about YWAM and the other things going on my heart and mind in due time!!!

Decepcionada!

Decepcionada is the word for disappointed...although it looks much closer to the word deceived. And that's how I feel right now - disappointed and deceived.

My girls at the orphanage have been working so hard...it's been almost three months now that they've been working every single day. I wanted to give them a treat and so I asked the nuns if I could invite them to my house for dinner and a movie and to have a "girls night out" of facials and fingernail polish. They told me no...just plain no. I asked why and they said it isn't common, so no.

I'm so disappointed...the girls are really disappointed, too. I don't know if they don't trust me, or think I will start shoving Christian propaganda down their throat, or what! I'm trying to see it from their point of view, but it's still hard. I had had such high hopes for our time at the orphanage, but it hasn't happened.

This makes me sad for the kids there, and especially for the girls in my class...they are older - from 14 to 23...and I so wanted to give them a special time. I'm not giving up, though...if I can't bring them out of the orphanage for something special - well, by golly, I'll bring something there!

I still dream of someday living and working in an orphanage...on a full time basis, not just an hour or two a day. Those kids can use all the loving they can get! Well, I guess that's true of all of us, isn't it?