I am not a person who holds things close to my chest...how I feel is generally right out there for anyone willing to know - meaning I don't just "emote" all over the place, but if someone wants to know whats going on with me, I will tell them.
I grew up learning that not telling the WHOLE truth is the same as lying, so I am compulsive about telling all that is on my heart...this is not always good, I've found. A lot of people simply don't care and a short "I'm fine" will suffice! As for myself, I feel like I'm being dishonest with people if I am not trasparent. I guess this is why I'll never be a great businesswoman!
Okay, now I'm starting to sound pathetic...I'm not...really!! Well, I probably am, but not in the desperate way that is coming through with this little confession! I'm sure my sister is laughing at me right now...she is a "processor" (along with my mom) and they always are asking me what I think about stuff, but I am not a processor so my answers are kind of short...haha! I guess it's all about perspective...I'm just not as deep as they are!
But back to the point...I've got some ideas running around in my head about what comes next for me and I wanted to wait for the "right" time to share them with my family...but I was beginning to feel dishonest because I wasn't sharing it NOW. I know there is some timing involved with sharing things in your heart, and with getting things put together in your mind and researched out and all that...but sometimes it feels like that window of opportunity is only open for so long and if you go beyond that it feels contrived and manipulative.
Well, with some things going on for me, I was beginning to feel that way...that waiting was contrived and manipulative. It's funny, but the deeper you dig, the deeper you feel the need to dig! I once heard a very wise person say....when you find yourself in a hole - stop digging!
So, anyway...one of the things I want to do (drum role, please) is go to missionary training for 6 months starting in January 2006. I think I've shared how I feel God calling me to go deeper in my faith and deeper with Him and I want to respond to this call. As I've served in various ways here in Mexico, I've come to realize that I want to offer more - I want to offer people the eternal hope that is only in Jesus. And I feel totally unprepared for that!!! It's SOOOOOOO uncomfortable for me, let me tell you! This is NOT where I would have seen myself, but here I am.
I've been filling out applications and asking for references and all of that, and need to raise $7,000 in support to go.
Anyway...more on that later! As far as my heart, I was feeling like some of the things going on for me weren't being put out there, and I was waiting for the "right" time to share it...but, as I said...it wasn't feeling good to wait. Yesterday I was feeling really down, sad. I was having a lot of self doubt and not sure whether or not I was doing the right thing, or if our time in Mexico has been well spent...am I living life on Purpose?? Has our time here, particularly our time here in Tepa, been beneficial? If we were do to it again, would we have stayed in Tepa after the disappointment with the orphanage? Maybe not...we both have a real heart for Chiapas, and perhaps we should have stayed there. But the thing is...God uses it all. He has us here for a purpose...maybe not the purpose we originally thought, but it's for something. And if we heard wrong and should have been somewhere else? Well, praise God...he works all things to the good of those who love the Lord! Either way, we can trust Him! Yeah God!
So I prayed a lot yesterday and through the night. This morning I decided I would try to put it down in an email to my parents...so I wrote a long email to my dad and you know what...I feel SO MUCH BETTER!! All my sadness is lifted and I'm feeling hopeful and excited again. Sometimes we just need to get it all out on the table, to be transparent. I am so thankful that I come from a family that encourages transparency and honesty and we all can truly support one another in that...so many families live with secrets and lies and don't share with each other.
I'm feeling great now...and don't you worry...I will tell you all about YWAM and the other things going on my heart and mind in due time!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment