His Joy Comes In The Morning

Yesterday was SO HEAVY...my spirit has just been so heavy for days now...but I had a breakthrough yesterday afternoon....here is an excerpt of what I wrote in an email to my mom yesterday:

Hi Mom,

Your email made me laugh - which is good because I've been crying and intense for 2 days!! No, my weekend wasn't very good...I'm getting hit hard by the enemy - I think he knows something big is in store for me, but I am having a hard time standing up under it. I don't know why I'm crying, really. Sierra was up most of the night with nightmares, I'm real intense. She made 3 pictures last night all about wanting a daddy, not having a daddy, how confusing her life is without a daddy, what she wants in a daddy - it's heavy, real heavy, and I don't know what to do with it. I'm praying and feel like God isn't answering - so, please pray for us, we're in it pretty deep. Feel free to share this with Diane, too - it's fine - I need all the prayer I can get right now!!

All day I was just broken over this issue with Sierra and her deep, deep desire for a Daddy. I'm also realizing some of my own stuff...the main things are that I haven't trusted God with my heart, that I don't know HOW to be loved and that I've lived out the lie that my feelings are unimportant and that my responsibility is to care for other people's feelings. Well, yesterday there were many people praying with me and talking with me and loving me...what a wonderful thing!! I began to feel lighter and then last night we had an awesome worship service and it was great!! Here is an excerpt from the email I sent this morning!!!

Hi Mom, Hi Diane!!

I LOVE This!! Thank you!! This is in line with what I am feeling is going to happen - our big day of healing is tomorrow, but I feel God working in me already. I had a breakthrough yesterday afternoon and was able to come against FEAR - then last night we had worship and it was awesome - we all bowed down together and I was flat on my face and crying out and for the first time I callled out to DADDY from the depths of my soul and cried out "hold me daddy!" and it was spontaneous and sincere. Here is what I wrote in my journal last night:

Tonight I called you Daddy for the first time from my heart. I held my arms up to You and asked You to hold me. I say "yes" to you. I choose You, I trust You. I want to get out of the boat. Amen!

In my journal I drew the picture I saw...me bowing in front of the cross with fear hightailing it out of there!

Then this morning (God is really funny...getting me up in the middle of the night or really early!) I saw a dam and it was holding back the LIVING WATERS...first a drop made it through. Then two drops. Then a tiny trickle, and a little bit bigger trickle. Before long, the living water was rushing through my heart and cleansing me, bringing forth life - The streams of Living Water were running freely - AMEN! I believe as I am healed that my weight and body will be restored to where God wants them and I will be healed of those issues as well.

I am learning how to be "real" with God...I see that something I've lived by is that my feelings are not important and it is my job to fix everyone else's feelings...I've denied and pushed down my own because I thought they were unrighteous and unimportant. I want to make them "pretty" and "acceptable" and "palatable" and it's hard to leave ugly feelings "out there" without cleaning them up. This is tied up with my not knowing how to receive love and be loved...but I feel God moving! The darkness lasts for a night but his joy comes in teh morning!

The song of my heart right now is

Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes Yes Lord!
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes Yes Lord!
Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes Yes Lord, Amen!

I am crushed but not broken
persecuted not abandoned
struck down but not destroyed

I am blessed beyond the curse
for His promise will endure
His joy's gonna be my strength!
Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes in the morning!!

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying them down
for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying them down
for the joy of the Lord!

And I say YES LORD, YES LORD, YES YES LORD! YES LORD, YES LORD, YES YES LORD!

AMEN!! Praise the Lord...Thank you for your prayer and support and encouragement!!