Sunday, March 19, 2006

Jehovah Jireh


That is the number written on the whiteboard two weeks ago in front of my name. It is the amount of money that I was short for outreach fees. I had no idea how I would get it.

Should I empty out my emergency savings fund? Should I empty out my little bit of money in my checking account? Should I call my Dad and ask him for the money? Each time I took it to the Lord, I felt a holding back in my spirit. I continued to pray about it, waiting for Him to show me what to do.

The money was due Friday, March 10. A few days before that I received two anonymous donations to my for $55 and one for $25. My balance went from $1,033 to $953. Still a long way to go. Maybe God would direct someone from church to give me money. I was believing Him for it, and I was being obedient in my waiting. Sunday came and went - nothing. What's up with this, Lord???

The deadline was extended to March 17. Another week. How would God provide? I continued to ask what I should do. As I would get caught up in worry I felt pulled back to trust God for this. I wanted to just jump in there and make it happen myself, but I've had enough bad experiences to know that I shouldn't try to make this happen in my own effort - but I was frustrated! Impatient!!

Thursday came. One more day til the money was due. Would you do it for me, God? I was railing against the limits of myself. I couldn't hold on any longer. I'd been saying that all week, but then would find the strength for one more day, but this time I really felt at the end.

I threw a temper tantrum with God. During the tantrum, I knew I'd have to repent for it, but I just didn't care - I was mad, and He was gonna hear it! I reminded him - YOU told me to come here! YOU SAID you would provide for me. YOU SAID you wanted me to trust you. YOU SAID, YOU SAID, YOU SAID. You said all this stuff, God - so WHERE ARE YOU? Why aren't you doing what you said? Oh yes, I was railing against God. I was really intense - I wanted to hit something or kick something or scream. I shook my fist and demanded He answer me. I cried and cried. Eventually the fight was drained out of me. I felt that I was given two verses...the first one was "you have been saved by GRACE, and NOT by works, so that no man can boast"...the second was "what you have begun in the spirit, do not finish in the flesh". Okay, loud and clear - Dayna, do not try to figure this out in your own strength...wait on Me. Ok, Lord - I will wait - but I am feeling like a racehorse at the gate, straining against the door, wanting to run out and do it myself, wanting to break through that door and make it happen. But I will wait.

I went to dinner and was telling Paul and Susan about my temper tantrum - Paul could understand - he's had a few himself. He reminded me to be patient, to wait on God. He laughingly told me I'd have to repent for my tantrum and I told I knew it, and I hoped it would have to be soon!

Later that night I was meeting with one of the teachers from the week and she gave me $20 - it was a start!

Friday morning arrived and I was the only one with outstanding fees due. The class prayed for me. Later, I handed the $20 over to Marleen, the girl who is in charge of outreach fees. At lunch she brought me a receipt - but wait...there were two receipts. I opened them up - one for the $20 and another with an anonymous donation for $300! I was excited, but still...there was another $633 to go - a long way.

Friday afternoon my small group went into town for some Jamba Juice and just to relax. We got back just before work duties were to start, but George told me that Ken had called and I needed to call him first. I called him in his office. Ken is the leader of our Crossroads class. He told me that a check for $100 had come in and I needed to come and endorse it. Then he told me that another $500 anonymous donation had been pledged, but had not yet come in - however, it was on it's way and so my outreach fees still outstanding were $33, which were waived. $920 in one day!!!!!! And of that, only $120 from people I knew. God DID come through...He took me to the very end of my rope, and then came in to rescue me.

Why did He wait so long? I'm convinced He's teaching me to trust in Him, stretching my faith. Teaching me not to do things in my own strength, but to wait on Him. It's a hard lesson for me. No. Really, it is a HARD, HARD lesson for me.

So, the end of this little story is that I'm all paid up for outreach!!! I'm excited! God came through! And I even learned a little something in all of it. Besides the stuff already mentioned, I also learned that God can use my anger to get me to be really, REALLY honest and real with Him, and through that He can work with me. I also learned that God has big shoulders and He can take it when I throw a fit. He doesn't punish me or impune me or tell me to get over it - He just lets me get it all out and then deals with me when I've calmed down.

There is more about what happened this week, but I'll save that for another time. For now - have a great weekend!!!

Friday, March 10, 2006

The Giftings of the Holy Spirit

This week our Crossroads class is combined with the DTS class, which is essentially the same as what we're doing, but for the "younger set"'s been fun to be combined with them, because I guess I'm just young at heart and like to get right in there with 'em! It's been fun to razz them and throw paper wads at the guys in front of us who like to tease us and give us a hard time.

Our lectures this week have centered around the giftings of the Holy Spirit, with the basic premise of "demystifying" the gifts. I admit that I've had that "oooh aaaah" feeling about the more "out there" gifts...the twilight zoney ones (you know...prophecy, speaking in tongues, healing, etc...). It's been good to bring them into the everyday, normal living sort of framework.

We started by talking about the "office" evangelist, pastor, teacher, etc....the ones that are for equipping people to do what they've been called to do - those are pretty straight forward. Then we moved on to the motivational gifts, which are the gifts that we are created for - prophecy, helps, teaching, exhortation, giving, administration and mercy. As suspected, my gifts are in the area of mercy and hospitality (giving). These are all pretty easy to grasp.

Today we moved on to the manifestation gifts, which are tools that help you to fulfill the motivatinoal gifts....these are the ones that can seem a little "twilighty", but our teacher was really able to put them into an everyday context. For example, have you ever been talking with someone and as you're talking you say something and they are like "wow - how did you know that?" or "you don't even know how much that means to me, what you just said"...well, that would be the gift of a word of knowledge. Or, another example...say you are having a problem and trying to figure out a way to deal with it. Suddenly, an idea comes to mind of how to resolve it...that would be a word of wisdom. Pretty simple, huh? It sure made me see that I've had these gifts and used them, but never had identified them as such before.

One thing that was SO important to me personally was talking about when people abuse the gifts of the Holy Spirit - I have been so suspicious of people who do all that "voodoo" stuff and knock people over and get all wild and crazy, yelling and talking in tongues and the total chaos - I've been hurt by this personally, but I've also just seen such a negative impact it has. I think this has kept me from embracing the Holy Spirit - but it comes down to the fact that I was judging the Holy Spirit based on man, not on who God is. Well - as it turns out...when people are working in the Holy Spirit, they can become knowledgeable as to how to "tap into" that power, so to speak...and so then, even if that person starts going down the wrong road - with control or immoral behavior or manipulation or whatever...all the bad things we associate with people who misuse the name of God - well, they can STILL tap into that power...God doesn't take it away! In the Bible it says that the gifts are essentially non-returnable - so once you have them, you can continue to use them - EVEN IF you are not living out a Godly life. It comes down to the fact that God is so DESPERATE to communicate with us that he'll even use really screwed up people - I guess just like he used the donkey, huh? Haha. But, the bottom line is that we ALWAYS, ALWAYS need to test the spirits and we ALWAYS need to remember that just because someone can work within the power of the Holy Spirit and can use these is NO reflection on their moral character! I really needed to hear that and keep that one in my mind, and it relieves me from feeling like I have to believe someone just because they "seem" powerful in the Lord...

Today we got into small groups and, once again, prayed over each other. I just love that so much - it's so awesome to get a word from God through someone else! It is always very encouraging. We got into our outreach group for Fiji...we have such a fantastic group - it's going to be so awesome!!! As I am listening to God more, and recognizing His voice, I'm getting all sorts of pictures in my head, and my art has really taken off!! I've started a journal just specifically for pictures I see, so it's cool.

One area I continue to be so blessed in and feel such privelege to be part of is to watch Sierra. It's just been amazing. As you might remember, she is just crying OUT for a daddy from the depths of her heart and we've been praying about this and also just talking about the fact that a human daddy will not meet all of her needs or make her life perfect and that he'll be flawed and imperfect, but that God still wants to meet that desire of her heart. God is her perfect daddy, and to learn to really lean on him and trust him and let him love her (sort of like me...and all of us!!). Anyway, as we are continuing through the school it is just so awesome to see her opening up to that and to see her stepping out in faith - she's been raising her hands in worship and praying really awesome and intense prayers - even with other adults and kids around! She and two of her friends have started a Bible study and devotional time after school and she is just thrilled to go to Youth Group on Thursday nights. She's been seeing visions and hearing God speaking to her, too! It's just awesome. It's also just such a privelege to have her in the ICS school here on base where the kids pray together and the teacher prays with them and over them and encourages them in their faith - it really is just an amazing thing.

We've been working on learning some sign language to songs and some's really fun!! That is definitely an area I will enjoy!!

Well - that's alll for now...hope all are well! God Bless!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

More Onion Peels

This week was so great, although it was quite intense!! We went over several topics this week, including things like living in the Spirit, the giftings of the Holy Spirit, Forgiveness and Maturity. On Thursday we prayed and asked God to reveal any areas of unforgiveness in our hearts. Well, we've been working in this area for some time, so I figured I was all done and didn't have anything else to forgive. Guess God had some other ideas!! I started getting all sorts of the dumbest things from way back when...I was actually laughing because they seemed so lame, but I figured "hey - I want it all out! I don't want any obstacles to getting all that God has for me", I went ahead and wrote them down.

Later that night we got together as a class and we spoke out forgiveness to the people we needed to, and then we spoke blessings out for them. After this we tore up the papers and proclaimed "it is finished!" and then we were each prayed for.

As Dick was praying for me, he said he felt the Lord was saying that I am suspicious and lacking in trust and that he wants to heal me of this. He also claimed the scripture over me and Sierra that God is a father to the fatherless and a husband to the husbandless and that His love be sufficient for us in this time. Another scripture he felt God was giving him was the God sets the lonely into families and also that he is making me to be a spring of living water, flowing from my innermost being and that many people will come to that for rest and refuge.

Well, that was all well and good, but I was having trouble getting over the first part of that prayer. I thought "Hey, I'm not suspicious. I trust. What is he talking about? He's obviously off base" (you know...we do that! Haha) I went home and was questioning God about it - what does that MEAN, God? Do YOU see me like that? Show me if you do, but it doesn't seem right to me." Later Sierra came home from Youth Group and I asked her - "do I seem like I don't trust people?" and she said "Oh no, momma, you trust" (which was the right answer, right?? hehe). I was really troubled by it and asked the Lord to show me if I was that way.

The next morning (Friday) we were in worship and I was worshipping and all of a sudden it hit me...I knew what it meant. God had been faithful and shown me. I don't trust that people actually like me or that I can be loved by God or others. I am suspicious of anyone's love for me and am constantly looking for (and finding) the evidence that they truly don't love me or even really like me. Earlier in the school I felt that God had revealed to me that I don't even know HOW to receive love, so this was a deeper revelation along those lines. I was devastated and crying out to God to show me HOW to receive love, to teach me to feel secure in the love others have for me. I spent a good, long time crying about it.

Later during a break I went up to our speaker Dick Schroeder, the man who had prayed over me. I told him how I had felt when he prayed that over me and the revelation I'd had about what it meant and asked him to pray with me for God to heal me in this area. He says "well, would you be willing to share this with the class?"

Oh man. I must have had a "deer in the headlights" look to me, but I remembered that God had told me that he would give me specific steps, and I would need to be obedient to them. I just didn't realize it would include public humiliation!!! Well, I wanted to be obedient - but more so, I wanted healing, so I agreed to share it with the class.

After break, Dick had me come up and share what was goin on for me - I had a hard time getting it out as I was crying and embarrassed and ashamed. "Hello, my name is Dayna and I feel unloveable" was hard!! Then Dick said he'd like to pray for me and asked if anyone would like to come up and lay hands on me and pray with him - well, the whole class just rushed up to the front! I was kind of embarrassed, but it was really neat. There is this man Paul who I just adore - he's a great big bear of a man and just as tender as can be. He made a beeline for me and just enveloped me in his arms while everyone else gathered around me and started praying. I was bawling, Paul was crying and I think others were, too. The whole time Paul was just whispering affirmations to me while everyone prayed. This went on for about 20 minutes. After, Dick said that this is an example of New Testament Christianity and living by the Spirit. It was really awesome and I so appreciated it - so I am trusting that God is healing me in this area and that the love of others and of God will begin to soak into my innermost being now. Amen!!

Yesterday afternoon I was in town and crossing the street and there was a car that was coming on pretty fast, so I started to jog across - all of a sudden there was a "SNAP POP" in my ankle and I thought I was going to go down - the oncoming car kept me motivated to continue forward, but boy did it hurt. I have no idea what I did to it, but it's all swollen and sore now. Please pray for me!

Another area I need continue prayer support is in the finances for our outreach - the cost is going to be approximately $1000 more than anticipated! Please pray for me in this area, too.

As promised, here are some pictures!! I know, I know...FINALLY, right? Haha. Well, here goes -

This is Sierra's class - they lead worship for our class sometimes. This was the first time they did it and they did so well!! Sierra is singing - she's the one with the Superman sweatshirt on.

This is me. Sierra and I hiked up to the crosses that are way (waaaaayyyy) up on the hill - it was a pretty steep hike. There are three crosses up there. There were some big rocks around the base of the crosses, so we scratched some things into them that we were laying down at the cross and left them there symbolically. I figure if I want to pick that stuff up again I'd have to hike way up there and carry that big old rock down with me, so it's a good motivation to leave it for God to deal with!

This is Reanna - she's 15 and is one of the kids of another family in my class. The teacher for the kids school was leaving, so they had a surprise going away party for her - this happened while we were getting the room ready - they had way too much fun with that silly string!!

Here are some of the kids on base - we went on a hike one day to Mushroom Rock, which is really cool. Just under the top there is this little keyhole opening you climb through, which is fun. The kids are (front left) Reanna, Jenna, Malina, JP and Sierra is in the back.

Well, it seems that the internet connection is getting fussy - the last three attempts to add more pictures have been unsuccessful - so I guess that's all for now, folks! Have a wonderful week! And THANK YOU for the wonderful comments and emails to encourage me - I appreciate it so much!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Home Again Home Again Jiggity Jig

Over the weekend I rented a car and Sierra and I went home for the weekend!! It was so great!! We took off on Friday afternoon and came home Sunday night.

At the last minute, a girl asked us for a ride to Sacramento, so we also took her to Sac. We ended up getting home around 8 o'clock or so, and I was so touched because my sister and her whole family were there waiting for us! It really blessed me. My dad had also stayed up to visit with us, which was so cool because he had to leave at 1:00 in the morning to go test the car and wasn't there the rest of the weekend.

A few weeks ago I had purposed it in my heart to cuddle with my dad and to hang out with him and visit more. Now, my dad is not the cuddly type and I haven't EVER done this, so it was a big deal!! I told him I was going to do it and we'd both feel weird about it, but we'd just have to get through it. So, I got my first opportunity on Friday night and laid up against him on the couch and put his arm around me! It was cool - ok, it was a little awkward, but it was still cool!! A great start!

It was just nice to be with my family and visit. I went on a long walk with my mom (paid for that for a few days!!) and Sierra got to spend time with her cousins. All the Murphy Women took a special communion together on Saturday with our friend MaryAnn, who taught me a new way to do fact, I'm going to be sharing it with my class tomorrow! It's called Mime Communion, but that's all I'll tell you.

We went to church on Sunday and I kept getting comments from friends about how they saw me dancing during service!! Haha - that was funny - I told my friend Angie that YWAM makes you a hyper Christian, and she thought there was real truth to that! LOL.
The funny thing is that the service was about the Extravagent Father Heart of God...which is what we've spent the last 6 weeks learning!! In fact, the sermon centered around the father from the story of the prodigal son and that is exactly what we were learning about last week! Isn't God funny?? Apparently I'm a little slow at this concept, because he just keeps bringing it. Haha.

We headed home on Sunday and tried to stay in front of a big storm that was coming in - we made it home safe and sound and everyone was glad to see us home safe.

This week we are learning about living a Spirit filled life, and it is just awesome. I was hit really hard on Monday with all of that old *stuff*....rejection, doubt, identity crisis, feeling useless and out of just comes, doesn't it?? Sometimes it is hard to be a single mom - you always need to be strong even when you don't think you have any strength. You are always "on" whether you have the energy or not. You don't fit with the singles and you don't fit with the marrieds. It seems like everyone else can be used but you. Oh yes, it was hitting me heavy!! I prayed and was still feeling down so I went to my friend Mirriam who was a single mom for many years (her kids are all grown now) and she was really able to minister to me and pray with me and encourage me - this is one thing I just love about community!!! The next morning we had intercession and, come to find out, a couple of the guys in my prayer group had been having similar stuff go on the day before. Then at break I found out my other friend was also having similar stuff going on - so many of us under attack!! We all prayed together and were encouraged. We decided that the enemy only comes against us when we are a threat or when something is coming to us, so we counted it as all joy the trials!

So, all is going well - we are preparing for Fiji. This week is really hectic and we've had night meetings every night all week, plus our houses are being inspected today so we had to get them cleaned up. This weekend a few people are going to Yosemite, but most of us will stay here and relax.